I’m not sure what I was up to when I was a kid but I recall having frequent cuts and scrapes that required my body to produce scabs. My mom told me not to pick at them to avoid scars but to my childhood mind, scars were irrelevant. More interesting were these scratchy patches on my arms and legs that indicated healing and were fun to mess with. The healing process slowed way down when the scab was picked off but there was satisfaction in doing it anyway.
What does this have to do with forgiveness? In today’s Gospel Jesus instructs us to forgive from our heart reminding us that forgiveness is a head thing as well as a heart thing. Announcing to myself that I forgive a person is only part of the process. The second part, forgiving from my heart means I have to stop picking at the scab from the wound. That’s less easy.
Scabs serve a useful purpose in protecting what was damaged while it heals but they also are a reminder of the wound and are especially annoying when they itch or crack or otherwise cause us to notice they are there. When someone hurts us it’s part of our human nature to roll around in that hurt; replaying it in our mind, maybe even making it bigger than it was. There is satisfaction in staying in that place. There can be a sense of justified victimhood and gleeful self pity. “Look at me. Look what happened to me. I am hurt. See my scar. Look what I survived.”
When we dwell on the hurt, when we pick the emotional scab, we are slowing down the forgiveness and healing process and hurting ourselves in the end. It’s like opening a slow cooker. Each time you do, you add a half hour to the cooking time. Each time you pick that scab, you add healing time and you spend longer feeling bad.
The answer lies with Jesus. When we show him our wound and tell him how the scab is bothering us, he helps us. I’m convinced that fully forgiving someone from the heart is only possible with the help of our Lord. That pesky scab is just too tempting. But if we give it to him and take the time needed for healing, it will happen and we will forgive as he asks us to. We will also avoid scars that prevent us from loving. We will forgive with and from a heart that is centered on Jesus. But first we need to go to him. He is waiting.
No estoy seguro de lo que hacía cuando era niña, pero recuerdo tener cortes y raspaduras frecuentes que requerían que mi cuerpo produjera costras. Mi mamá me dijo que no me los tocara para evitar las cicatrices, pero en mi mente de niña, las cicatrices eran irrelevantes. Más interesantes fueron estos parches ásperos en mis brazos y piernas que indicaban curación y era divertido jugar con ellos. El proceso de curación se ralentizó mucho cuando se quitó la costra, pero hubo satisfacción en hacerlo de todos modos.
¿Qué tiene que ver esto con el perdón? En el Evangelio de hoy, Jesús nos instruye a perdonar de corazón recordándonos que el perdón es una cosa de la cabeza tanto como una cosa del corazón. Anunciarme a mí mismo que perdono a una persona es solo una parte del proceso. La segunda parte, perdonar de corazón significa que tengo que dejar de rascarme la costra de la herida. Lo cual no es tan fácil.
Las costras tienen un propósito útil para proteger lo que se dañó mientras se cura, pero también son un recordatorio de la herida y son especialmente molestos cuando pican o se agrietan o nos hacen notar que están allí. Cuando alguien nos lastima, es parte de nuestra naturaleza humana revolcarnos en ese dolor; repitiéndolo en nuestra mente, tal vez incluso haciéndolo más grande de lo que era. Hay satisfacción en permanecer en ese lugar. Puede haber una sensación de victimismo justificado y autocompasión alegre. “Mírame. Mira lo que me pasó. Estoy lastimado. Mira mi cicatriz. Mira lo que sobreviví”.
Cuando nos detenemos en el dolor, cuando nos quitamos la costra emocional, estamos retrasando el perdón y el proceso de sanación y, al final, nos estamos lastimando a nosotros mismos. Es como abrir una olla de cocción lenta. Cada vez que lo haces, agregas media hora al tiempo de cocción. Cada vez que arrancas esa costra, agregas tiempo de curación y pasas más tiempo sintiéndote mal.
La respuesta está en Jesús. Cuando le mostramos nuestra herida y le contamos cómo nos molesta la costra, nos ayuda. Estoy convencida de que perdonar completamente a alguien desde el corazón solo es posible con la ayuda de nuestro Señor. Esa molesta costra es demasiado tentadora. Pero si se lo damos y nos tomamos el tiempo necesario para que sane, sucederá y perdonaremos como él nos lo pida. También evitaremos las cicatrices que nos impiden amar. Perdonaremos con y desde un corazón centrado en Jesús. Pero primero tenemos que ir a él. Nos está esperando.
Merridith Frediani loves words and is delighted by good sentences. She also loves Lake Michigan, dahlias, the first sip of hot coffee in the morning, millennials, and playing Sheepshead with her husband and three kids. She writes for Catholic Mom, Diocesan.com, and her local Catholic Herald. Her first book Draw Close to Jesus: A Woman’s Guide to Adoration is available at Our Sunday Visitor and Amazon. You can learn more at merridithfrediani.com.
Feature Image Credit: Alex Shute, unsplash.com/photos/b7QwXDDEwv8
David Dashiell is a freelance author and editor in Nashville, Tennessee. He has a master’s degree in theology from Franciscan University, and is the editor of the anthology

Kathryn Mulderink, MA, is married to Robert, Station Manager for Holy Family Radio. Together they have seven children (including Father Rob), and seven grandchildren. She is President of the local community of Secular Discalced Carmelites and has published five books and many articles. Over the last 30 years, she has worked as a teacher, headmistress, catechist, Pastoral Associate, and DRE, and as a writer and voice talent for Catholic Radio. Currently, she serves the Church by writing and speaking, and by collaborating with various parishes and to lead others to encounter Christ and engage their faith. Her website is
J.M. Pallas has had a lifelong love of Scriptures. When she is not busy with her vocation as a wife and mother to her “1 Samuel 1” son, or her vocation as a public health educator, you may find her at her parish women’s bible study, affectionately known as “The Bible Chicks.”
Sheryl is happy to be the number 1 cheerleader and supporter for her husband, Tom who is a candidate for the Permanent Diaconate in the Diocese of Kalamazoo. They are so grateful for the opportunity to grow together in this process. Sheryl’s day job is serving her community as the principal for St. Therese Catholic School in Wayland, Michigan. Since every time she thinks she gets life all figured out, she realizes just how far she has to go, St. Rita of Cascia is her go-to Saint for intercession and help. Home includes Carlyn, a very, very goofy Golden Retriever and Lucy, our not-so-little rescue puppy.
Dr. Alexis Dallara-Marsh is a board-certified neurologist who practices in Bergen County, NJ. She is a wife to her best friend, Akeem, and a mother of two little ones on Earth and two others in heaven above.
Tami Urcia grew up in Western Michigan, a middle child in a large Catholic family. She spent early young adulthood as a missionary in Mexico, studying theology and philosophy, then worked and traveled extensively before finishing her Bachelor’s Degree in Western Kentucky. She loves tackling projects, finding fun ways to keep her little ones occupied, quiet conversation with the hubby and finding unique ways to love. She works full time, is a guest blogger on
Elizabeth Tomlin is the author of Joyful Momentum: Building and Sustaining Vibrant Women’s Groups and contributing author to the Ave Prayer Book for Catholic Mothers. She is General Counsel for the Archdiocese for the Military Services, USA. Elizabeth is an Army wife and mother of three and currently lives in the DC area. She blogs at